It's strange how I only use this when I have nobody to talk to, when I have so much on my mind but nobody to really decompress with to get a handle on it all. I hate how lately the cold reality of immortality is staring so many of my friends and myself in the face. Everyday we hear, and watch loved ones falling away a little bit at a time and everyday we feel a little more helpless while watching the process.

I've always thought myself lucky.. because I had more grandparents in my life then most people will ever get the chance to have. I had Troy and Edna Mae two of the greatest people I have ever known. They adopted myself and my brothers as there own grandchildren because as Edna Mae always said her children were two stupid to bless them with grandchildren. I was lucky they were in ever way possible my grandparents and they passed away last year which devastated me. But like I said I was lucky I still had my Grandmother and Grandfather on my Dad's side Grandma Lu' My granddads Wife who has been in the picture even before I was born. My grandmother on Mom's side her Husband Gerald. My Grandfather on my Mom's side passed away when I was in 7th grade. So like I said I am luckier then most.

But at the moment I don't want to be luckier then most because then maybe my heart wouldn't be shattering one piece at a time. My Grandmother B on my Dad's side she is my greatest life line and one of the strongest people I know. She's slowly winding down I know she has more years in her because she wont go quietly. But at the same time everyday I see her slowing more and more and not being able to do what she use to or needing more help and my heart bleeds for her.

Then there's My Grandfather and Lu. Lu has always had issues but she's always been sweet to me. But her eye sight is going and she's getting sicker but I'm not really sure what is wrong.Her light is diminishing and it saddens me.. Who will take care of brook and her kids if she goes?
And then there's my Grandpa... He always had this larger then life personality. But now he's this skeleton of a man pale where he once was a warm smokey tone. His feet bandaged and swollen because he can't get good circulation anymore. Only part of his mouth working where stroke after stroke has left most of his body paralyzed, and a handful of heart attacks have left him tired... He spends his days in an assist and living hospital waiting for his next visitors, waiting for therapy, waiting to just go home.... Waiting, waiting, waiting.... He'll wait all day till God takes him to his final resting spot. I'm not ready for him to go away, I wan' him to make me laugh one more time.. To not loose his mind. I want him to get home and to see my father and call him Sonny or Son-O like he always did and not call him Brian *(my dad's step brothers name)... I don't want to see him yell out of frustration because people don't understand what he is saying. I want Lu to be better and Grandpa to be better... I don't want to wait like the rest of them...Waiting for time to finally stop.

Now my Grandma on my Moms side... She's a women like no other. She has always been so strong taking care of my Grandpa till he passed away, Taking care of Gerald now that he's blind.. I thought she would go quietly in the night one day. A old age like the rest of my grandma's sisters, meeting Grandpa once again when she gets to the gate of heaven. But now that seems like it's not going to happen. Now it seems like it's going all wrong. Saturday she started bleeding from her rectum. They rushed her to the hospital and after all kinds of tests they ruled out cancer, and they removed some kind of mass and the bleeding stopped. But then she wen't home and she started bleeding again. Aunt Carol said everything was fine, but she's still bleeding and well that can't be good. Now flash to today Grandma can't breath she has a blood clot on her lungs. There trying to stop that from traveling to her brain. But at the same time they need her stop bleeding from her rectum or she's going to end up bleeding to death.... Mom and Dad had been planing a trip in Sept to visit, which with all that's happened is a really good thing. But now I really want to go, I have to see her... I need to see her if there's a possibility that this could be it that she could die and I don't take this chance I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. My managers better have a heart and allow me the time off or I might Just have to quit... And don't think I wont.

I hate seeing all this go down and not being able to do anything. I hate just trusting that the fates will know what to do... I hate it all but there's no real choice but to trust in the fates....

"everything changes
everything falls apart can't stop to feel myself losing control but deep in my senses I know"

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006