I'M LOST....

I'M FEELING like the walls are coming in on me and I don't know what to do about this feeling. I'm supposed to do something with my life I mean I'm 22 and according to my family I should know without a doubt what I want to do. But how am I suppose to know what I should do with my life when I can't even make up my mind on what to wear in the morning!

Hell the only thing I know is I'm good at cooking, BUT what if I don't want to do that for the rest of my life? What if Culinary school was this huge fucking mistake!?!? I mean I'll never regret going, because to be honest that was me at my happiest, my most content. But I guess all of that doesn't matter because I still don't know what I want to do with my life. All I know is what I'm always hearing.

* Get a new job

* How much was actually spent on my schooling

* I don't try

* blah blah blah

* do this, try this, I'm only trying to help!

I live in a world where the record wont ever change, and it's not cool with me. I wish I could just tell my dad "I fucked up I shouldn't have gone to school to be a chef, that I'm not "trying" because I don't even know what I want to do! That I'm tired of living with these stupid rules at 22 when I pay rent for a room I have lived in since I was three (minus the time I spent in school)." I want him to understand that my life will never amount to anything until I find a reason to be happy to feel the freedom to once again try something new.

Okay so I'll never tell him all these things for many reasons but most of all I refuse to tell him I fucked up because I don't regret going to the CCA I just hate to think I chose the wrong thing. l mean when I did this I new it was a way out, even if for just a small moment. I know I did it also because I wanted to prove to everyone I was actually good at something, that I could do something like this... That just maybe I could be on my own. Yea I don't think anyone ever gave/gives me credit for anything.

I don't believe what I chose to do was some crazy risk. But I do think I could use my knowledge for my future but I still don't know what I want to do and I hate knowing I can't say "Yea I'm lost, and I think I want to try school again."

At this moment I feel like a failure way before I even began.... All I want to do is cry and curl into myself.... But I wont cry because this isn't worth my tears...

I feel alone, I need someone I can run to.

The one person I have an instinct to run to, probably wouldn't even answer, yeah I think that's what hurts the most....

I think I'll cry anyway...

*I hate feeling like I have everything to prove*

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006