My heart is really heavy right now, I feel like everyone wants to pull me in all the directions that I myself do not want to go in. Proablem is how can I say I don't want to go in these directions when I don't even know where I want to be?

Theres a lot of things I need to digest before I put anything here of real substance but for now all I will say is this....

I'm pissed off because people who hardly know me are telling me they can do my life better then I myself can do it. (Thanks Salvador for that one) My Father is treating me like I'm 16 again and my Mom for the first time in history doesn't even try and understand my position. She feels as though I can go off and persue my own goals but at the same time I should try and do what my Father wants me to do... (Yeah that's really going to work)...

All of these things that probably don't seem like much to anyone else is really makeing me feel numb. I hate always feeling like I need to please everyone else... I don't want to please anyone but myself! But it's sad I don't know exactly what would please me. I'm sure if I looked deep inside. You know where I suppress just about everything I would want, I'm sure that's where my joy lays.... I just don't know how to figure out or find this part of me.

Not to mention even if I did find this place I probably wouldn't know where or how to begin. Most of the time all I want is someone to tell me there proud of me and actually mean it. But that will never happen.... I think that maybe if I wasn't holding on to things from the past, things where I was completely deserving of being given a pat on the back or a "good job." If I was given that much in past situations maybe I wouldn't need to actually think that someone was rooting for me.

these days all I want is someone to love me, hold me and tell me that I'm okay... That I'm doing okay!

But that will never happen. Not anytime soon anyway....

But everything could be worse I guess, and when you think about it... Besides this one portion of my life I'm kind of happy...

Why is the end of summer usually the hardest time to be me?

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006