I can't take this anymore...

So tell me how does an argument my parents are having on decorating the house. Turn into a heated argument all about me... Years of practice that's how...

*sigh* Story of my life I tell you.

As we speak my Father is blaming my Mom for my being overweight! He's telling her one day when I have a heart attack it's going to be her fault... And what is she going to do when that happens.

I wish I could go down stairs and start yelling and screaming at them... But that would just make it worse!

* I think I might still be twelve *

I'd cry because this truly hurts way too much. But I've grown a little too numb. It seems to me every time stuff like this happens I grow more and more hollow inside. Nights like tonight make me wonder how much longer till I become completely numb...

I'd cry but I don't have anymore tears left to cry...

Somedays I wish this family that adopted me never did.

Sometimes I think being aborted would have been the better option.

Yes, I love my Brothers and my Mom like the night is long. But I don't think I love my Father anymore... (I worry this makes me a bad person)

He use to tell me he loved me every night even after major fights. Nowadays in those rare occasions he says it I can't stand it...

This man I call my Father, even after all the hitting, drunken escapades, yelling matches and just being told that basically I'm not good enough. Through it all I still hoped, still loved, still wanted to be daddy's girl... I even prayed once.

Yes, even after I realized all of me was nothing more then regarded on conditions... That I had this Fathers love that was regarded on the highest of conditions...

I still tried. I swear I tried!

But now at 22 I can't exactly say I hate him.

But I can say every time he tells me he loves me my eyes roll...

Willingly I can't seem to hug him anymore, and when he hugs me I recoil it almost feels as if I'm being burned...

No. I don't hate him...

But do I love him?

I can't say I like him much anymore... But then did I ever truly like him?

I'm not that stupid girl in those pictures anymore. With the cheesy grin thinking I was the happiest of children that I was safe in his strong arms... I wish I new then what I know now...

I won't hold on to that dream I had for so long. You know the one where I'm perfect and I'm daddy's little girl.

That naive girl in those pictures... That was never me that was a false identity held up for purposes of outside appearances.

I don't need his love

I love my Brothers and my Mom

I have my friend(s) sometimes, maybe ... never really... But yet sometimes.

I think I'm finally really becoming frozen.

Needing "family" needing to be understood or even cared for isn't really important... Everything is conditional anyway, especially I come to find when your simply me.

* You could pretend to care but would it even matter *

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006