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Life it just keeps going

2:36 a.m. || August 27, 2004

Dinner tonight at Lolly�s house was really great. I think it was a break from reality that I needed, there truly is something about good food and even better company that is just what the doctor ordered.

However when I got home I was surprisingly confronted with emotions I don�t want to deal with...

I was talking to Jedd and then Justin IM me and he was asking about what was going on between Dad and I. so I gave him the short version. Needless to say I hate when my feelings aren't taken in consideration, and I�m told to just make amends. There�s this whole principle to things I have mine and I like to keep them... It�s okay if I�m wrong I don�t mind but when someone basically tells me how I feel is wrong that's not kosher with me. My feelings are valid...

While I was talking to Jedd in between talking to Justin I mentioned how it bothered me that Justin doesn�t understand my position. Its not that he needed to agree with me just understand me. In-between all of this I commented to Jedd that �it was strange how three kids could grow up in the same house and have completely different experiences.�

Jedd is a strange kid he has firm beliefs that DNA no matter who you grew up with that your genes define a huge part of you. They make up a lot of your character no matter who or how you were raised. In lots of ways I think he may be a little right on said ideas. But you see in some ways he feels that because we are adopted and our father isn�t the most adaptable men. He never knew what to do with that side of us that wasn�t really what he wanted and or expected.

You see Justin, Justin was the kid Dad wanted and dare I say expected to one day have... He was brilliant, religious; he basically did everything you could possibly want in the order of how things are supposed to be done. Good student went to good college got good job, married. He basically has done everything in the order of which it is generically suppose to be done.

Then you got Jedd big dreamer, tends to fall into a heap of trouble every now and then... But like I said big dreamer, he just feels he never got support when it came to anything he wanted to do. Not to mention he�s stubborn as a mule and so is Dad... So basically they butted heads constantly. Plus I don�t think it helps that he would defend me at every turn. Other things that probably didn�t help was he didn�t finish college, that it just was one of those things he didn�t want to do.

And then there was me. Black sheep from the day I was born. Nothing about me seemed right. I was taller then everyone, bigger. I was always being told I was fat and I was always in and out of diets. No one I think cared to mention to my father that at 5�5 or more inches and starting the messy string of puberty in 5th grade that I wasn�t over weight and forcing me to believe I was, wasn't exactly healthy for me. I was a horrible student and with the learning disabilities being in and out of tutors and special schools on Sat and still not getting the better grades... It wasn�t because I honestly just didn't understand it was because I didn�t try. It also doesn�t help being a lesbian, or going from one random idea to another. It doesn�t help dropping school to go to a culinary school. Then being constantly reminded of the money I wasted doing that. Then somehow even my race came into play with my family (that's a story all in its self) Nothing ever seemed simple I mean when you remember being hit or some of the arguments more then you do the good times there's something wrong there.

I don�t mean to complain but part of me wants to write this down so maybe someone will get it because even I don�t quite get it. I mean I know we all do things that our parents cant stand. But is it kind of possible that just not living the life that was envisioned for us. Not being blood in some ways could hold some kind of restraint on how we are treated? Hmmm I really will need to be in therapy for the rest of my life... The joy?

And so reality rears it�s ugly head again...

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006