My life is summed up in Randomness...

I have this tendency of making lists, things I want to do, things I've learned, things that make me happy and sometimes sad. My life it seems can always fit into lists, letters, journal entry's and even on the rare occasion short stories.
I use to do these things with more urgency like maybe one day I'd find out the truth as to who I am.
I realize now or maybe deep down I've always known finding the root to who I am can not be found in lists of randomness. They do however in someways help to kind of get a glimpse on things. Sometimes when I look at a list that has a hundred-one things I want to do before I die it helps me to see the more adventuress side I keep down. Or the crazy dreamer but at the same time it can be depressing to think I have a hundred-one things I want to do but most of them may never come to lite.
But at the end of the day I like my lists because they make me think. They make me really look inside to figure out what it is I may or may not want. What could or couldn't be. In some way they help keep me a dreamer, they keep me a float. Sometimes it even helps me to remember my goals and what I want out of life.
I know this all sounds strange and this sounds even kind of half baked.
I know I tend to over analyze things or make things sound deeper then they really are but I too and a complex person and this is just one of my many crazy ideas that swim around in my head.

So with that said here is a list of Randomness ths is My life in list form. Basically this is things that have made me who I am today, things that I'll never forget and even things about my day to day... So yeah I hope you enjoy.

1. I hate watches, never wear them unless I am at work. But what makes this strange is I dislike Mickey Mouse yet my watch has a huge Mickey Mouse on the face of the watch. It's like Left hand on 8 Right hand on 5. It's scary really.

2. When I was in fifth grade I saw Andrew Lloyd Webber's Joseph and the Technicolor dream coat. I still enjoy some of the songs. Yet I do realize how corny that musical is today. However that one musical started my love affair with musicals...

3. Rocks-Ann was my Neighbor Gloria's Granddaughter she spent every summer and some winters at her house for years. She was my first girl crush when I met her at the age of like 9 and one of my dearest friends for years. I miss her...

4. I love parks at night, I've had some of my most deepest conversations with some of the best people I've ever known there.

5. Said Sadly by the Smashing Pumpkins will always remind me of lost love....

6. I have a irrational fear of Lightning, but it might be the thunder haven't figured out which one just yet.

7. My parents fought for years, silence now makes me uncomfortable. My parents getting along now makes me even more uncomfortable.
8. When I was in 7th grade a girl in my Gym class asked for all the black girls to come over to her. Ardena told me to come on (so I did) I was then asked by this girl Why was I there because I wasn't black. Thus spiraling me into a world where I really did question my Ethnicity.

9. Not sure why but I blacked out most of all the things that went on in school from like 6th to 10th grade.

10. I love to paint.... I suck at it.

11. I really believe with every fiber of my being that four more years of Bush will truly help to destroy this country and even destroy more of the other countries...

12. Someone tell me why we aren't helping places in Africa... The angry black women in me says were not doing as much as we could be doing because the sufferers aren't white, and because they don't have much we could benefit from.

13. I believe we need to be allowed free trade with Cuba... I mean it's been long enough don't you think? Hell we should be able to freely travel there if anything. I also believe Castro might be a Robot. Oh and Bush looks kind of like a monkey don't you think?

(Enough political rants)

14. When I was a kid I ran track... I HATED IT... My father was my couch, maybe I hated it even more because of that. Funny thing is Dad still thinks I loved it... All I remember is complaining to my mom, fighting, and being scared...

15, When I lost my first love I destroyed almost everything Robin ever gave to me... One of the biggest mistakes of my life.

16. Every December I wear this silver heart with a cross in the middle of it I got it at the Fallbrook mall when it was still good. Robin bought it for me, I'm glad I never got rid of it.

17. I've had nightmares regularly for the past 8 years... They finally have calmed down and I have no idea why.

18. When I was 10 I made the declaration I would see the Dodgers get to the World Series before I die... I still believe this will happen... Well, as long as I don't die tomorrow.

19. In High School I was one of the biggest under achiever... I know I could of done amazingly, I mean I know it's just pierce but I pulled straight A's there... Hell even in all my actually book classes at the CCA I pulled A's so yeah I know I could of done tons better. I think That's in the top five of biggest regrets....

20. One of my earliest memories where I realized I wasn't like other kids, that something might just be strange about me was when I was 6 or 7. My parents made me go to this institute to figure out what was wrong with me. All I remember is drinking dole orange and pineapple juice and being shown ink blots.
21. When I was in my Senior year in High School, I spent about 3 months in exhale from my friends. By my own choosing of course, sometimes especially when I was younger dealing with ppl took to much energy.

22. When I was 15 I spent a week not talking to anyone, unless I was called on in class. I never was called on. After that little moment in time every so often I would be dared to go a day or two with out talking in school, so I did... My friends even bought me a note book so I could answer them if they had a question.

23. When the dookie cd came out when I was in Jr. High I listened to it to the point where I actually wore out the entire cd. Strange but my life was summed up in that one cd....

24. When I moved to San Francisco there was this bar that felt like home, strangers who ended up being more like my family, friends at home who didn't know how to hold on... Or maybe it was me who couldn't hold on, and because of it all I grew up and now I'm kind of on my way to becoming a really good person.

25. With my head hung in shame I admit I absolutely adore Dolly Parton, the movie Steel Magnolias, and I tend to get my groove thing on when nobodies looking to disco and I have the most unhealthy jonesing for Ru Paul, yup I've had a crush since I was like in jr high or even before that. What can I say I like big hair and sparkles?!?

26. One of my best memories as a kid was getting home from school or something with my mom and finding out my brothers had gone to see HOOK with out me. I was really upset because I wanted to see it so after the second I was like "you went without me?" Jedd had mom take him and I to the Fallbrook theater just so I could see it.

27. My last Job, I disliked it with a passion, the only thing decent was the friends I made. I promised I would stay a year and I did... I still believe this one act some how proves my character.... I also believe my boss was such an ass hole that he was lucky I stuck around for so long... But then again I'm still kind of bitter...

28. At 20 I had the best first date ever, with one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I of course sabotaged the possibilities I had with Crys a.k.a. Crystal... In the top five biggest fuck ups.

29. I use to love the fragrance Strawberry Champaign from Victoria Secrets. Silvia always bought it for me for every major holiday gift event. Proving to me that she never could actually think of something original to get me. It was always that and a piglet stuffed animal... I think that's all she knows about me.

30. When Jedd and I use to walk home from school together we would recite full dialogs from movies I mean frame for frame... We don't have much in common but were both crazy... that's something.

31. Justin was my partner in movie and music crime. I miss that about him.

32. At Justin's Wedding I felt so left out, unintentionally I'm sure but I actually went to my hotel room and cried. I called Dustin to talk about it but he was exchanging gifts with des at the moment. I felt more alone that night then almost ever. But I did eventually get to talk to him about it....

33. In great Bartlett family tradition I didn't make it into the photos at the wedding.... That hurt more then anything. Thank god I was in the professional picture or years from now we all would be wondering if I was even there.

34. My brothers have shelves of baby pictures and books. I have one that's not finished.... By way of emplaning my Grandmother told me I was the last kid life gets too hectic to fill up photo albums. My idea on this was okay fine I can take that explanation but I'm the youngest and the only girl, I deserve at least one finished album. This moment has caused a huge mental issue with me always contemplating my worth in my family and in my personal life.

35. At 21 I realized my Fathers love had conditions on it. When he wouldn't talk to me for 6mmonths and then I finally got a job and he acted like I was his sweet child again....

36. One of many reasons I should see a shrink... When I finished the CCA I was told by my father he wasn't going to my Graduation. We got back to sc. Cal I find out get a job and hell go to my graduation... I didn't want him to go he already told me he wasn't.... I hate that I didn't go to my Graduation.... I should have even if it was boring like everyone said....

OKAY I'M STOPPING I'LL CONTINUE SOONER OR LATER......

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006