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I need sleep... I think too much

2:41 a.m. || October 14, 2004

My life when you take it all in... You know like the big picture? It's like not that bad, actually I'm probably the happiest and most content I have ever been in my life. There's no stupid teenage angst, I'm old enough to do everything and yet young enough to still know how to have fun. Sure I have this job that messes with my head okay so it's the people more so then the actual job.
And like for the most part there's no real negative influences in my life. I've finally learned the art of telling people to fuck off when they mess with me. Sure at times I feel kind of bad I feel like I don't want to let go. But now I'm not holding on because I feel I have to, I don't feel obligated. Okay so I still have no clue what I want to do with my life but I have a drive to do something, and a drive to figure it out. Something which I never really have had.
It's like for the first time what I have out ways the things I want. Plus for once the what I wants aren't categorized under the needs. It's like sure I want something's but I'm not going to dye if I don't get said things. It's funny for once I'm kind of going with the flow and actually not stressing on all the things that make me scared.
Life is going rather okay and in thinking this I don't want the shoe to drop. But you know in other news at least now I usually Know and can handle it when the shoe does drop no matter what it is....

My goal as of late I think is to try and make my Jedd happy. His life has had one shoe dropping one after the other for the past three years. He needs some smiley faces and sunshine in his life, and damit I'm going to try and bring it to him.
You know its funny like in lots of ways I guess I seem like more of the older sister now then the baby... But you know things I guess go in circles. I think like life in someway is made to work with a give and take kind of thing. like Jedd spent most of his life protecting me standing up for me letting me cry on his shoulder. Saving me when I was down bleeding on the floor not wanting to get up. In some ways he acted like a real father more then my own father. So it's like now it's my turn to take care of him, help him out. You know pay him back for the past 22 years. But yeah at the end of the day I just want him happy and I want him to not have to wake up every day being in physical and/or emotional pain. I don't want to wake up to find one day that he couldn't handle it all anymore. IT'S FUNNY how like some people matter to you more then others... At the end of the day I think its just my own selfishness to make him or any of the other important people in my life function to keep them sane. But I think its one act of selfishness the higher beings and the ppl around me can forgive...

*sigh* I talk to much and I need some sleep...

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006