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In love with second best

8:04 p.m. || November 09, 2004

I don�t remember much of my youth, I don�t think I really want to remember every detail anyway. However it seems for as long as I can remember I�ve been walking this strange tightrope. It�s like behind me are all my �friends� like the real ones and those who just wear the mask. In front of me are my parents and any person who�s ten plus years older then me that I love and have these �ideas� of what I should be doing. Then below me are my very own goals and dreams. It's like below me are all the things I keep to myself and the one or two bits I share with the outside world. See the problem is finding away off this tightrope and finding my way to point A (hopes and dreams) and not succumbing to what the people infront or the people behind me want.
Okay so that analogy if you will sounds a lot like a math problem in High School... Like If Bill is on a tight rope and point A is 50 feet in front of him, and point b is 30 feet behind him, while the ground is 100 feet below him..... Blah blah blah
*sigh* my life is not like a math problem, I hate math... not my life. See big difference!
So the point to all of this is.... Because yes there is a point.

The point is I know I have this need to please everyone else ultimately way before I ever make myself satisfied. But at the same time I�m always one foot off the tightrope doing my own thing. Being that completely off the wall bohemian. That one foot is where I�m constantly wanting to be at all times. Yet to get the other foot of the tightrope ultimately is more of a challenge then any one person could possibly conceive of. You see jumping off and doing my own thing damn the people around me isn�t that easy. Not when your entire life has been about trying to make others happy. In twenty two years I�ve managed to fight for what I want and do it once. But I think that was only managed because I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired that it was do something or just get swallowed up in depression.

So I guess what I have to do now is find that place inside me that wants something more then what will be if I stay here in my skin in this space. Yesterday when I was with Lolly it was anger that got me to want to do anything so maybe I need to stay angry? But by nature I�m not an angry person and I never really stay angry for too long anyway I don�t really have it in me to stay angry....
(Okay that quite possibly could be a big fat lie) But if you know me you�ll have your own views on all of this so yeah whatever.....

Just another thing nobody cares about....

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006