Don't you hate when your upset and the one person you want to run to is one of those people who would probably yawn and not care? Okay so your not sure if that would happen, but your almost positive that's what there reaction would be...

So mom and I were talking about Dad being a dick to me. She told me he's grumpy he had a stressful day at work and lucky me as usual I was the target to vent... Mom and I both agree it doesn't make any sense...

I explained to mom what I probably wont ever tell my father because I wont ever have the guts to confront him...

I told her that it's not okay he has this blatant disregard to my feelings or what I want to do with my life. That he will never understand how mad and bitter I am at him for the last couple past years. That I'm still pissed at him for yelling at me over the phone while my roommate was behind me listening to all the things he was screaming at me. That I'm bitter that he wouldn't go to my graduation but it's not just that but that when I was moving out and he wouldn't help and on top of that told me on that day he wasn't going to ever come back up here not even for my graduation. That those comments that I'm too stressful for him to actually come home sting like a knife still...
When I was telling my mom this I started choking up but I refuse to shed another tear because of my father. I could probably fill a stadium with all the tears he has made me cry over the years. Well, I could at least fill a couple pitchers that's for sure.

I wish I wasn't sitting here typing even more about how over the years I have been treated like shit... Because there are people who have had it worse then me...

I know the abuse could have been worse... I know my scars could run deeper and I could have cried harder... I know my blood could have been a deeper shade of red... But I was lucky and I shouldn't complain because life could be worse....

But in truth I think the saddest thing of all, the thing I hate to admit.... Something I've only told one person in my entire life is that as much as I don't want to meet my birth parents. As much as I'm okay with never knowing or seeing what they looked like... Sometimes when it's dark and lonely and I can't sleep or I'm plagued with one of my many nightmares.... I wish that they never gave me up, because deep down I believe they would have done better... Maybe I wouldn't have grown up with everything I ever wanted, and maybe I wouldn't have two kick ass brothers or a mom who is like my world... But I entertain the notion they would have loved me completely I wouldn't have been too fat or not bright enough... Maybe if I wasn't given up I wouldn't have bled as deeply as I had?

I know completely silly notion and at the end of the day I know I wouldn't give the things I have had or have in this reality up just for something I think might possibly could have been...

I just have to believe people who gave me up in hopes that I would have a better life and so that maybe they could have a better life... Just possibly loved me and maybe still does... *sigh* I'm pathetic
so heres a song...
I love this song, and its how I feel on nights like tonight...

Jewel_ Daddy

My bones are tired, Daddy
I don't get enough sleep
I don't eat as good as I should, Daddy
What's that say about me?

Sometimes I sleep past noon, Daddy
Drink lots of black coffee and I smoke like a chimney,
Yes, I left the refrigerator door half open, Daddy
What's that say about me?

Sometimes I want to rip out your throat, Daddy
For all those things you said that were mean,
Gonna make you just as vunerable as I was, Daddy
What's that say about me?

Sometimes I want to bash in your teeth, Daddy
Gonna use your tongue as a stamp
Gonna rip your heart out the way you did mine, Daddy
Go ahead and psycho-analyse that

'Cause I'm your creation, I'm your love Daddy
Grew up to be and do all those sick things you said I'd do
Well last night I saw you sneak out your window
With your white hood, Daddy
What's that say about you?
I'm sloppy, what's that say about you?
I'm messy, what's that say about you?

My bones are tired, Daddy.

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006