I wrote this earlier in the week but I figured there was no point in posting anything that I'm really thinking about. But the last two days what with reading a bunch of diaries and a couple friends lj's I figure what the hell. If everyone else can bleed for whomever to see why the fuck can't i. Besides its not like anyone who might come a cross this will care, well maybe one two people at the most will stop and take a moment. But yea it doesn't matter so yea read if you want doesn't matter....

There�s been things plaguing my mind for the last month or so. Basically I�ve been trying to figure out what�s wrong with me, why is it I always seem to prove myself wrong when it comes to people, my life and everything in between. Basically when it comes to anything I think I want to invest my time, myself in.
Maybe it�s true what they say if you set yourself up to fail that�s all your going to do. But then again it�s like even when things are going great at the end of the day the final product is always failing in some kind of way.

I know I�m not doomed to fail, even though it seems that I constantly put myself in those kind of positions. Deep down I know once I can figure thing�s out everything will just fall into place. I mean things once upon a time fell into place, things at one fleeting second made complete sense, and one day that will happen again. Like everyone every now and then falls off the path. Everyone decided�s to take the detour or the scenic route. So yes it�s just a matter of when I will some how find my way off of the scenic route and back on the road we call life.

Hell if I was dead it would be called me being in Limbo.

But then if I was dead and in limbo at least then I might find out the meaning of life.

But honestly it�s hard to not feel like this huge failure, and not that I would change any of my past decisions because they make up who I am now. But like I don�t know it�s hard to wrap my head around the constant knowledge that I never see anything all the way through.
It�s kind of like the entire chef thing and I know I have only told only one person this but I new almost from the very second I started the CCA that I wasn�t cut out to be a chef that I didn�t have the drive nor the desire to lead that kind of life. But at the same time I new I had to see it all the way through, I had to finish it. But even that was to prove something to everyone else and not really to myself. Yet I wouldn�t change a single moment of it all because till the day I die I�ll always think of it as one of the best times in my life. In truth it was one of the few truly authentic moments in my life. Maybe that�s why I love San Francisco so much, but something tells me it so much more then that.
The only regret I have about the school is the fact I didn�t go to the graduation. But then again why should I have gone when the only people that matter didn�t see the need to go.

Fuck why should I still be so bitter that I didn�t get one congratulations on your graduation... You know why I should be? Because for once in my life I didn�t have someone telling me they were proud of my accomplishments and I am a needy little bitch who constantly needs some sort of validation.

Sometimes I guess you could say I�m still that little girl constantly trying to get attention needing to always know someone cares. Needing to know that people are genuanly good. Despite it all I truly am no matter what anyone says or thinks I am an optimist. Theres this part in me that knows if I saw the world as this dangerous evil place that it seems to be most of the time a huge part of my soul would die.

I mean when I say I believe in Karma I truly do so maybe that�s why I try and be a good person. Maybe I also just like to really believe there is something real about the golden rules we all learn in school.

Maybe I want to believe that one day trying to be good will pay off for me... Unless it�s true what they say and the nice guys really do finish last.

Which from where I am sitting I think that saying could be more accurate then I care to believe. Because in my life especially when it comes to people it�s my giving nature to those I really hold dear that always puts me ten steps behind. I wish I could be out for myself and I wish I could stop trusting people. But once someone is in past the guarded side of me (for those who don�t believe there really is a wall up) It�s like once someone gets in it�s hard for me not to give them the shirt off my back if they asked me to. Okay so it seems I�m constantly being screwed over by people and making me even a little more jaded when it comes to trusting others. Not to mention making myself completely crazy trying too figure out what I did wrong, why I can�t seem to A) find decent friends or B) What the fuck happened or the ever present C) What the fuck did I do... Because I had to have done something if you are not going to talk to me anymore or something....

I swear some things I�m never going to get over... I just wish my friends didn't dissapoint me to the point where I�m never ever going to forget what happend. But then again maybe it�s me who�s dissapointing. Maybe most things as I suspect are all my fault?

Maybe I just really do need a shrink, but then again when some of your earliest memories are of taking ink blot tests you don�t really want to lie on another couch....

All I really need I think is directions in my life and not just to the mall... And it wouldn�t hurt to actually see what the people who matter see in me and take those good things they see and really believe them. Because at the moment I�ve lost my way and I don�t see many good qualitites...

But like Mommy Dearest always tells me �Sleep on it, tomorrow will be better�

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006