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Rain it sums up my inner being at the moment.

1:09 p.m. || February 11, 2005

Okay so I need to figure out what I'm good at and what I can see myself doing in the future. Speaking of the future it's an odd feeling that for the first time in life I can't see a time line in front of my face. In fact not being able to see some kind of future, some kind of progression is a hard thing.

I'm at this stage in my life when I feel that to get to where I want to go I need to look in on myself and my past. Figure out who I am and to admit all my faults and some of the reasons why I am that way. I think if I do that, it will be the only way to get over the hurdle that is in front of me now.

This may sound stupid, but because I don't verbalize any of these things to nearly anyone I'm not sure just how stupid this all is.

It's just as day's move into weeks and weeks turn into months and yes as months tend to turn into years. I find myself even more lost. With even more questions. My self esteem is starting to waver, my faith in anything beyond being a failure has faltered and I need answers as to why it's all turning into this... Into something I don't understand into having panic attacks when I see people I use to know. Knowing that they know that I'm some kind of pathetic being. Being convinced without any evidence that there successful, that these people who don't matter are happy and some how seeing me and laughing behind my back because I'm a failure. That I couldn't live up to my holier then thou behavior and they all know that. It's like even if there not, even if I know they don't matter that deep down I know there more fucked up then I ever will be... I somehow just know that they are pointing and laughing because I've got nothing to show for myself.

*sigh* Nobody cares about this shit but I will continue this stream of thought another time... For now I need to get dressed find my umbrella and walk to the bus stop... The fucking joy of it all!

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006