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(Ramblings) " until I wake up and I turn back to myself"

1:09 a.m. || March 08, 2005

I have so many things to say. Important things and scary things and sad things. Things that might fix things and might ruin things. But all the things I want to say need to say wont come out of me. every time I try and say something it falls on deaf ears. What's the use of having something to say if nobody can hear it? What's the use of being on this planet if you can't express yourself in any real way?

I learned early on that if you don't speak your mind you don't tell people the facts as you see them you risk loosing everything. However I also have learned you can be ripped open bleeding on the floor for everyone to see and at the end of the day your sill left alone. Just in this case you got to clean the blood off the floor on your own.

I think I've been plagued with so many strange dreams lately because I do have things that need to be heard. Because when the lights are off and I'm drifting off to dream land my mind wonders. I think of all the things that scare me, (which is almost everything) I think about things I have to say to people. I think about all my fuck ups and I try and figure out why anyone would take the chance to get to know me.... I fall asleep thinking of everything morbid, disappointing, and scary and I wonder why I can't sleep...

But worst thing of all I come here and I write these half ass vague entries because what I have to say I can't. Because people might not say it but everyone judges me and I fell off my pedestal a year ago but I still have to make everyone happy!

Yeah I think that's the root of my problem I'm just convinced I have to please everyone I have to be whatever it is everyone else wants me to be. And no matter how much I try and push away from what everyone wants me to do I'm too scared to make myself happy....

I guess I just don't know what it really means to be happy and to love for ones self? One day I think I might find my own way, but today is not that day.

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006