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does anything matter

3:32 a.m. || April 09, 2005

I used to have a select group of friends that I would do just about anything for. Okay lie I would have done anything to keep them. Trust me I nearly did do everything from ignoring my own feelings/beliefs writing checks, dumping really great potentials because they thought they weren't pretty enough or girlie enough.... Or any other reason they could think of. Basically I denied myself from evolving into a real person.

Now I know all of this ended up being my own fault my own need to keep people inside me.

So when these select few ended up dropping me or pushing me to the final brink... Pushing me to that point where one more look or comment made me into a raving bitch.... When they got me there and I was left to my own devices I probably wound up ten times more crazy then when they met me.

So now even though I still sometimes think back on these people. Missing some because for the first time I could cry outside of my bedroom. Because they opened that door that makes even the hallmark commercials worthy of a good cry.

And sometimes I even think back on others and I now can see how they fucked me over for a good four or more years. How everything got messy at the end and in someway that's fitting because it was messy almost through the entire friendship. These memories hurt but I think about them whenever I'm alone in my own mind or when I see one of them in passing....

*sigh*

But I guess all of this brings me to some kind of point or realization. But I guess at the same time it's nothing new and who knows maybe it all doesn't matter.

But I don't want anyone inside my head anymore....

I don't want to talk about things that are important in my life...

Whereever I stand with people it doesn't matter

and maybe I won't get over my deep dislike of most people... Okay lie I do tend to like most people well for the first ten seconds that is...

Maybe the few people who I still talk to maybe that's as close as there ever going to get, and maybe that sounds kind of fucked up.... and maybe people will start wondering why they should even bother with me...

and yes even that doesn't bother me because I can only give so much at the moment and people just have to deal....

And to tell you the truth I don't know why people should bother with me and

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006