Why is it when my life is going okay or starts going okay my personal life starts taking a nose dive, or vise versa?
It's not fair, and seriously I'm getting really tired of it. I know everyone has there own shit to deal with but I hate how sometimes people (including myself) don't look how there choices effect others. Sometimes granted you can't see what you've done till it's to late, but there's always time to make things better. Call me an optimist in that respect if you will.

Some day's it's ultra lonely in my world... But what do you expect when you can go weeks without talking to friends or even family members. Sure I have my regular e-mails or im sessions with a select few. Well, if I didn't have those Snaggle aka Boo Boo and Kim-a-roo and I wouldn't actually keep in touch. Besides that one of my closest friends isn't talking to me at the moment, but I figure the end result there will play out sooner or later.

But yes my life is sometimes lonely, honestly I'm okay as long as I spend at least one day a week or every other week doing something remotely stupid with someone I actually care to spend time with. But lately it's just been me myself and I... Well unless you count the funeral and Boo Boo taking me to lunch after wards. By the way thank you again for going with me, I know how much you loath that kind of stuff.

But I don't count that because how much fun can you have when someone you loved dearly passes away, not to mention when the day before the funeral someone who doesn't even know the relationship questions your emotional attachment to the situation. Not saying that's how they meant what they said to me but it's how I took it.

I think I'm a little nostalgic lately, mostly ever since I found a bunch of photos. It's funny the things I miss or the moment's I miss...

Like Boo Boo and I going into the great outdoors with ripply... Him going off into the great unknown as I communed with nature while ripply lounged by my feet.
Or the nights Dustin and I would go to parks late at nigh and just talk, while we smoked whatever my flavored cig of the month was.
I miss the days when Silvia wasn't such an emotional burden on me. When we actually connected and we would eat veggies drenched in lime and salt and talk about all the things that really mattered to a pair of stupid 17 year olds.
I miss the Cannibalistic Tomatoes...
Or the dynamic duo that was Pear and Flower

Like everyone there are things I'll always miss and things that I wish I could change, But I don't ever want to go back, even if every now and then for a split second I think I do. Even knowing what I know now wouldn't make me want to go back.

The only thing if I could go back and do over, only to bring the memory back to me is maybe that moment when I was born. Sure you might not be able to see much. But Maybe to just hear my mothers voice or maybe to see her squiggly outline for a brief moment....

Now isn't that a thought to think about on mothers day....

Some days like today I can't help but to think what is she doing, does she have any other kids and am I one of her biggest mistakes? Was I wanted or was it religious or parental issues that make up my being now....

But I guess it doesn't matter... Not really, I love my mother to the moon and back and I guess if one mistake brought me a mother like her then it doesn't matter the reasons I grace this earth....

Soooo to all the real mommy's in the world and to all that are missing the one they lost, or gave up... we love you... wether you know it or not, whether you or they believe it or not... We all love you.... (hugs and kisses)

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006