Do you ever sometimes feel like your the poor kid looking in the store window? Or better yet the ugly duckling holding up the wall at the school dance?

That's me in life, always have been always will be. I'm the popular kid who never really get's popular "sure she's sweet enough" but that's not enough with the popular kids. Your also supposed to be bitchy, feared, beautiful, respected, trendy... You know be relatively in the now, and as for being smart and or interesting that's kind of optional.

It makes you kind of wonder why anyone would want to be popular, what would make anyone want to run with the pack.... You know I couldn't tell you why, but being a lone wolf or being pushed out for whatever reason sometimes sucks.

Family, Friends, work all of it I'm just the kid looking in...

I know it's not always like that but most of the time it is... Or at least most times it feels that way.

So there are times when Mark, or Kim bitch slap me and shake me because they see me curling in around myself...

Or Lolly puts her foot down because I'm a basket case or whatever... It's like okay here we go on round ____ insert number here.

But most days even when I'm not trying to keep myself "safe" when I allow the few people to see in, to see to that part where they can be like "what the fuck do you think your doing now"showing that part is never good enough, because you still get burned. Kim say's I should speak up, cause a royal fuss first thing when I know things aren't right. But that's not me, I wasn't raised like that... I was raised to internalize everything, when things bother you when shit hit's the fan your suppose to let things calm down and then sweep it all nicely under the rug.
That's all I've ever known...

So when ass holes I don't even know make fun of me and my friends don't even care and or notice I suck it up and act like it never happened.

When your father get's mad at you and refuses to open his fathers day gift, you wake up in the morning and pretend that it didn't hurt.

When your best friend just ups and stops talking to you.... you pretend it doesn't bother you, but then when you actually talk about it and it makes you pissed off to the point when you see said person you can't control your emotions... you've all of a sudden lost your mind..

When your repeatedly told your not good enough you take it all inside because that's where everyone want's you to keep those feelings...

When your happy and people tell you, your being fake... When in truth you're actually the happiest you been in months.... That's when you start to wonder...

So most people who know me if you can get an inch of my emotional state to cross my lips if you actually hear me voice any opinion what so ever it's a good thing.. Some time's like my dear Boo Boo say's it's like having me win first place in a race.
But he's lucky he's known me forever... So I could walk into a room say hi and he would know everything that is going on in that second.

But anyway not that this post has any real point or direction....

But I guess if it did, the point or the silver lining to everything would be at least I have my diary. I know at times it may seem creepy and it's always all over the place. But in lots of ways it's the truest root to me. Mostly because I'm more likely to write down how I feel or what I think before I would actually tell anyone what I think or feel... Hell I have problems voicing my opinions on Movies... Okay normally I don't care, but if I do. Yea still hard..

I tell you it's this entire need to please people....

I'm failing the pleasing people thing at the moment so maybe I should just try being open...

Might as well piss people off, it's more fun anyway...
But in the mean time at least i've got Moneen... Come on everyone sing along!

"What you don't know is I know,
That you can't get it."

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006