April tends to be an insanely hard time for me each year. no one I know now has really known me for a long time so nobody really knows why... Which when you think about that's the nice thing about not having a constant in my life? My entire life I can hide things behind anything I want because nobody knows better.

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See I know there are one or two dates that I should remember that my brain has tattooed into my memory.... And I know I know the dates even if you talk to me and I play dum... It's just some things hurt more then words can express, so I tend to act like I don't remember you know mind over matter?

But if I could imagine what hell would be like April 5th 1998 would be the date, because my internal turmoil was at it's highest on that day. I like to blame this day on depression, anti depressants, my own self medicating and lots of alcohol. But lots of therapy and self help books later I know better then to blame the "chemicals"

But back then who could blame me for being a fall down mess by the time I turned 16 my life was a hollow shell of what it use to be. Hell I'll admit it's taken me at least the last 7 years to be just "okay" again.

*sigh* So 8 years ago when I came to the conclusion to follow in my biggest heart breaks foot prints I don't think it was shocking to anyone... Okay so maybe it was a little shocking but seriously the made for TV warnings were all there.

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I'm just thankful that Jenny walked in to my bedroom when she did. Lucky for me even more so is that she had a key to my house... If she had walked in ten seconds later a different out come might of occurred... Sometimes when I sit on my bed in silence I can still see her running into my room smiling without a care in the world... Then taking one glance at me and knowing exactly what was about to happen. If it wasn't for her arms wrapping around me rocking me telling me "no... no... no..." If it wasn't for her whispering things reminding me, God I don't know what would have happened.

Crazy thing now is all these years later and I still can't explain exactly how I tried to do it... That will always stay between Jen and myself... Okay and my shrink at the time.
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After that my parents did the perfect upper middle class thing... You know ignor the real problems chalk it up to wanting attention. So that entire year was a living hell for myself. I was even more heavily medicated, saw a shrink like 3 times a week, spent the entire year when not at school stuck in my room and I'm not going to even begin discussing how I became a complete loner for an entire year... But then again this is the same year i didn't talk for an entire 2 weeks

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Now I'm not sure why I'm talking about this now...

Okay that's a lie I do... I know I locked this and like three people have the passwords... One had to deal with me through this entire things and the other two? Well, I guess I kind of decided they should know me... Because nobody really knows me, and I'm tired of not being known. I guess I'm making a conscious effort to try and open up....

My past is kind of fucked up and if I'm ever going to have a real friend they need to know where I began and just not where I am now?

I don't know then again maybe they don't need to know any of this....

I just don't want to be a secret anymore.

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006