Okay so at some point I have to admit to some of the things I have done in the last past years just out of my own personal desperation. By the time I was 20 I can honestly say now I was more then fed up with most if not all of my existence. For the longest time I was like a tea kettle boiling on the stove for two long. Bad analogy I know, But I think you can get what I�m trying to say. So yeah when I found an out I took it, part of me always new it wouldn�t last forever but I still had to take it...
Part of me will always regret running away from my issues instead of dealing with them head on. Yet at the same time I new I had to get out when I did even if for a short minute I new I had to do it for one of the only real important reasons. Yea so that was I needed to find myself I needed to figure out who I was away from the people who I grew up around. I had to take myself out of my comfort zone out of the things I loved and the things I to this day love to hate. I needed to see if I could function on my own and if there was more to me then this place. So I took this crazy chance I moved to San Francisco and I went to Culinary School when I actually wanted to go to Hotel Management but the school I chose at the time didn�t have that course and I could of gone to school closer to home to do what I really wanted but like I said I needed out.
So I went on a whim I decided it was what I wanted to do, besides cooking is like one of the only things I have that came natural to me. Nothing else has ever been easy to learn. Hell I didn�t even have to learn how to cook I just found it somewhere deep in my bones... It�s something like breathing to me.
But I digress....
Seriously though it is one of the only things that I never had to work at... Here in a short synopses I�ll prove my point to some kind of a degree...
When I was little I was super duper shy and people always picked on me because I simply allowed them to do it...
Numbers and me were always at odds.
Reading was uber hard for me to learn at one point my parents thought I wasn�t ever going to actually learn how to read... Not well anyway...
I still spell horribly but my whole life I have had issues with spelling as I got older oddly enough the hard words were easy for me but the easy words were and are hard for me.
I use to stutter and sometimes I still have trouble saying words that have lots of s�s or at least the sound of an s...
I was an add kid in Elementary school probably still am one but my parents fought the school board so I wouldn�t be forced to take meds for it....
I was pigeon-toed still kind of am and I had to go to therapy to learn how to walk straight...
I was actually asked if I was dropped on my head as a baby... Because the way I learn isn�t actually very normal... You see like lots of times if you tell me what to do and your like showing me at the same time I get lost and I wont remember or hear half of what you said... I�m like queen of reinforced learning.

Okay I swear I�m stopping now but yeah you get my point...

So yeah this cooking thing is one of the only things that comes naturally to me, and in a world where my youth can be summed up with special schools, tutors, shrinks, and doctors it�s nice to have one thing that someone didn�t have to show me. To have one thing that I understand with out reason something that makes me feel good about myself something that is all mine. Yet even knowing all of this I know that being a chef working for some stuffy chef in some trendy restaurant isn�t me.... It�s not for me... Even though I did this extended schooling and besides High School and maybe Softball I made it without quitting... For the first time I loved my life and enjoyed my existence more then I have ever at any one time.... I wouldn�t give up this knowledge I can even say the 25,000 plus dollars that was spent doing this was completely worth it. The experience in it�s self is completely priceless and at least now I know of a city that I can strive to save and move back to... Because in truth it�s the one place I�ve never felt lost in it�s the one place that felt like home before it was my home... It in truth with all ways be my home... lol yeah I left my heart in San Francisco...

Whatever I know need to figure out what I want to do with my life because I know I was destined for more then what I am doing now. I think maybe teaching but what if that isn�t the right thing either?

I just don�t want to be a aimless wanderer...

This entry has taken a life of its own...

I don�t feel like crying but there�s tears in my eyes.
I think at the end of the day I�m just tired of trying to please others when they will never completely be proud of my choices....
I know nothing to do with what I�m talking about but if you know me I think you may kind of get it...

It�s my turn damit, time to make me proud of me..

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006