No I shouldn�t say it and I probably don�t even completely mean it but I really really Hate my Father. Maybe it�s more of a deep rooted never going to shake it dislike for my father. But all in all no matter how you slice it or say it I just don�t like him no matter how much I try to like him or even try and understand the enigma that is him. It�s like whenever we get along whenever things seem finally on the correct course between us, it never fails!
There�s a look passed, or a comment or a bad day being had and the next thing you know it�s WWII all over again.
Take today for example, my dad got home early 5ish (well this is early for him) and maybe it�s because the lights were all of in the house, or the kitchen wasn�t the picture of perfection or maybe it was me being home and not hearing him calling out to see if I or mom was here? But I come down stairs I say hi he asks me if I worked I said no that I was off for three days but that I�m looking for another job because my hours are ridiculous.... He goes to the bathroom he comes out and next thing you know a yelling match to match all other yelling matches starts.
So I admit no I�m not looking for an internship I don�t want to intern especially not around here! Okay so maybe I�m not working in some classy bakery and maybe I have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life. Okay so don�t tell my father that part! But yeah I get it �30,000 dollars down the drain�, (insert cell phone ringing it�s lolly)

Okay so back to what I was talking about....

I get �The way your going it will take ten years to develop your craft� but what I don�t get and will never allow or cave into is... �That�s it your going to Las Vegas for a year.� He�s been pushing this move for more then a year ever since I came home from school, and you know I will allow myself to be pushed around and yelled out on many things but this is one of those things I wont and will not allow... This is one of those things that are not okay, at 22 you can�t say you are going and doing this and that is that. Life, my life will not work like that. When I was 5 yeah maybe but not now not ever again.

I�ll admit it I�m a huge dreamer half the time I want to do everything and anything.... But you know as much a dreamer as I am there are things I want. There are things I plan to do and my life is mostly about just me living and being happy. I know for me to be happy I need to live according to my own truths... To be anything I need to be myself I need to lift the chains that bind me here.

The only way I will ever be me and make anything out of myself is if I am allowed to sink or swim on my own terms... Maybe I wont be a world famous chef, maybe I�ll be a teacher or I�ll own my own company or maybe I�ll stay in retail hell? Hell maybe one day I�ll just settle down and be a house wife? Who the hell knows for sure? But whatever I do end up doing I want it to be because of me and on my own terms. Besides no matter what I do or what I becomes all I want at the end of the day is too be happy and to have people I love around me?

I don�t think that�s too much to ask... Hell, I don�t even think that�s too much to understand...
I�m just a dreamer who wants to be happy, what�s wrong with that? I guess because I�m trying my hardest to do this on my terms that it�s just not good enough...

FOR FUCKS SAKES LET GO OF THE FUCKING LEASH!!!!

Oh then to top it all of I try explaining me trying to make things happen on my own terms I try explaining going up north... His reply is to shake his head no �You�re not going anywhere without a job.� That�s why I try to explain the concept of getting transferred and finding a Job so that is possible. He then asks who am I planing on going with I say Molly... And with what can only be described as a shocked face he shakes his head no in like disbeliefs...
Okay so I still think that he may think Molly and I are seeing each other, which is laughable... Because Lolly and I could never actually date.. She�s satin in High Heels (I kid)...

But yeah I new he wouldn�t be cool with going up north, and I know he hates how I�m going about my life now! I know he wants me out and I know he�s going to die with this anger of wasting money on my education! But I don�t know if my own needs my own happiness means anything too him? Because after all this is the guy who refused to go to my Graduation, has tried every way in the last two years to move me up to Vegas no matter if I want to or not. No matter if I like it there or now. This is a guy who from the moment I was handed over to him and my Mom constantly let me know I didn�t do things right, I wasn�t pretty enough, I wasn�t skinny enough, I wasn�t smart enough, I didn�t try hard enough, that everything I�ve ever done in my life has almost meant close to nothing... So maybe my happiness doesn�t matter? Maybe being a caring, loyal, semi optimistic dreamer means nothing to him? But it means everything to me and I will not allow him anymore to crush me. To make me less then nothing, because I�ve been less then nothing for so long and been fighting so hard... Trying to prove something to anyone who will listen but I guess all I can do is prove something to myself. But believing anything anymore is so hard....

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006