I can't sleep I've been up for almost 48 hours. Seriously I keep trying to sleep and I just can't I hate when this happens. This means that even though I don't think anything if not much is bothering me... That in truth it's really a hundred and one things and I need to figure out what's going on.

I know lately I have been a little depressed. I think my life is just kind of depressing at the moment I guess I could try and gain some control over that fact...

I hate that I am feeling so self conscious in my skin at the moment. I feel useless to a degree, I feel like everyone around me sees me amounting to nothing and it's fucking embarrassing. I know the things I am qualified in doing at the moment is basically everything I don't want to be doing. I know I need to and HAVE to go back to school but I can't afford to do it at the moment. Once I can qualify for Financial aid it will be a different story. If I can get back North I also know that will make a big difference.

Lately I feel so stupid! Not because of choices I have made but because everyone around me for the first time in like ever have been intimidating me. I don't feel like I have to keep up with them but at the same time I do feel like I'm falling so far behind.

I hate that strangers or people I kind of sort of know are making me feel so intimidated. Couple weeks ago it really hit me when I was with a couple people I didn't;' know just how out of place I felt. How much I'm not comfortable anymore with people I don't know. These feelings are relatively new for me, and I just don't know what to do with the fact.

Take The Christmas get together Lolly had. When they were just talking about it I thought hey good idea! But then as it got closer part of me met the idea with trepidation. Then when I new I couldn't help out with anything for the pot luck mostly because of lack of money, and the fact the last three days before that it hurt me to bend my hand also with the fact I couldn't get the wounds to stop bleeding... But this isn't an excuse. But yeah I still felt bad I couldn't contribute in anyway....I mean if I had had the cash I would have just bought something because I couldn't really make anything... But this isn't a point and this is so waving the pity card Ill move on...
Part of me didn't want to go, but I know I need to socialize more and I knew Lolly wanted me there and the little voice inside of me wanted me there too. And you know I did have a good time and I genuinely like the people who were there... But then someone mentioned how they thought I was bringing desert and I just said I didn't have time...
Which was kind of like a half truth... But I felt so uncomfortable and it wasn't anyone's fault not really. But I mean it's not like I'm going to tell someone who is almost a stranger that Because of my hand it hurt to do just about anything, that I spent a good portion of the day at the Doc, The the rest of the day getting mad at my brother and that basically up until like 6pm when I got picked up by lolly that I was -130.46 cents in the bank and after putting a check in there I only had 4 dollars. But yeah all of this makes me feel like a looser! And I know everyone has been in these positions and everything else. But it doesn't erase at the moment I felt so small.

But this is all small shit but it does all end up at the same place. My feeling ever so small amongst people around me. Now I don't want nor need people to censor things that are talked about around me but I just feel so blah. I think I have been holding up a mask on some things that bother me that now I can't sleep. I hate that this is whats becoming of me and no one is to blame but myself.... I mean I know I complain a lot so maybe this will be met with some eye rolls. Who Knows?

I just want me back...

Stale || Fresh

Leftovers...

A life time isn't aslong as it use to be - August 24, 2006
Heart bleeding in the end - May 05, 2006
Heads spinning - March 17, 2006
Kind of interesting - February 23, 2006
ten years in the making - February 19, 2006